Never Underestimate The Power Of Sandwich Sauce
by TragicMiracleCollection
Summary: When Stan eats the last of Soos' special sandwich sauce, Mabel tries to make him feel better by enlisting the help of her brother Dipper. He sends them on a quest to create the Greatest Condiment Ever Known To Man, and Stan gets dragged along. Can they overcome every obstacle in their path, all while having to deal with Mabel being extra? [ONESHOT]


**Hey y'all! Sorry for not updating in forever *cough* I have no excuse *cough hack cough***

 **It's been a long time since I last posted a chapter so here's a little something to keep you going.**

 **Rest assured, the next installment of Fire to Ice _is_ in progress, but I'm severely lacking in the motivation department.**

 **Jade: Yeah, like, it's pretty much non-existent!**

 **Me: ...Nobody asked for your opinion! Now eat your pizza in peace! *storms off***

 **Jade: Ok, ok. Chill... *starts singing BMC***

 **Me: whyyyyyyyyyyyyy~**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Gravity Falls**

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 **Never Underestimate The Power Of Sandwich Sauce**

"Yo dude, have you seen my bottle of sandwich sauce around?" Mabel looked up from her knitting to give Soos a shrug.

"Beats me," she said. "I usually have my head stuck in-" she pointed to a cupboard high above the stove sporting several thick padlocks and a heavy chain. " _That one_ ," she finished in a whisper, eyes becoming glazed at the thought of all the sugary treats hidden away from her inside.

Soos pulled yet another jar of mystery contents from the cupboard and grimaced at the expiry date, putting it on the table to join the dozen other items he had already perused through.

"It's just gotta be around here somewhere..." He expanded his search by sticking his whole head into the cupboard.

"Maybe Grunkle Stan will know where it is?" Mabel supplied helpfully.

"Maybe Stan what?" her Grunkle asked as he strolled into the kitchen with a newspaper and wearing only his boxers, a grubby tank top, slippers and his trademark fez.

"Oh, hey boss!" Soos pulled his head out and gave a smile that showed off his big teeth. "Have you seen the sauce I put in my sandwich during breaks? I could sworn I left the bottle in here," he gestured to the place he formerly had his head stuck in.

Stan rolled up his newspaper and placed a hand on his chin, scrunching up his face in deep thought. "Hmmmm... Y'know, I think I have." The handyman brightened, waiting with bated breath.

Stan held up a finger, "Hold on, it's coming to me. Was it the bottle behind the canned pineapple?"

Soos nodded.

"The one with the sticky brown sauce in it?"

He nodded again, his smile growing.

"Had a label that read: 'Soos's Special Sandwich Break Sauce'?"

Soos' eyes were now so wide he looked about to pop. Even Mabel looked over in concern when the big man started emitting a squeal unlike anything she or her pig could replicate.

Stan unfolded his paper and stuck his nose back into it, finishing in a bored tone, "Oh, I ate that. My steak needed a little extra kick last night so I finished the whole bottle. And it was good too!" He left the room.

Mabel watched her uncaring, dispassionate great-uncle go with displeasure. That man didn't have a sympathetic bone in his body, and today was a blatant example of that.

Almost hesitantly, she stepped away from her wool work and rounded the table to glimpse Soos' face. What greeted her was an expression so shocked, so saddened, so... betrayed that her heart truly went out to him.

"He ate it..." Soos mumbled. "The single most delicious condiment ever to be manufactured - probably in some remote third-world, poverty-stricken factory whose employees seriously deserve a pay raise... The only thing that can do a grilled ham-and-cheese sandwich justice...

 _"And he ate it."_

Mabel watched in alarm as her friend pitched forward and landed on his face without so much as wince of pain, his heart too shell-shocked over the loss of his... sauce.

"Aww, poor Soos." She kneeled down next to him. "I know how much you loved that sauce. You're always going on about just how delicious the sandwiches made with it are."

She patted him comfortingly on the head. "How about we go to the store and buy some more?"

"Hn-pos-bl..." was the response.

"What?"

Soos raised his head drearily. "Not possible. The stores don't sell it anymore; it was discontinued last month. I've been saving my last bottle for every Saturday break. Now I'll never eat another sandwich like it."

He went back to smushing his face further into the tiles so even his sighs came out garbled and unintelligible. It broke Mabel's heart to see her friend so down. There had to be something she could do for him.

Just at that moment, Dipper stuck his head into the room to say, "Mabel, have you seen my-" but paused when his eyes landed on the handyman. Stepping fully into the room, eyes wide, he said, "Woah, what happened to him?"

Mabel explained the situation as deeply and accurately as Dipper could explain a solved mystery, only with more bravado, hand gesticulations and tear-jerking recounts.

By the time she finished Dipper had one eyebrow raised at her theatrics, and another at the absurdity of their friend's actions. "So... he's sad because Stan ate the last of his sauce?" Disbelief filled his tone.

"Absolutely traumatised!" Mabel threw her hands into the air. She grabbed the Soos' head and lifted it so Dipper could see his suffering, "How else do you explain this?!"

Dipper inhaled uneasily, "He looks... like he's just been raised from the dead. Sad people should not drool that much."

"He's drooling because he's thinking about what could have been!" she cried, unceremoniously dropping the large man to continue her one-woman show. "Man and sandwich, united as one through mutual love of the greatest collection of ingredients turned-sauce that the world has ever known!"

She held her hands out almost religiously, slowly bringing them closer together until her palms touched and the gates of heaven opened to the sound of trumpets in her imagination.

Back in the real world, Dipper ran a hand down his face. It was only morning and he was already spent from his sister's existence, however much he loved her. Oh, and Soos too.

"Whatever, let's just find a way to get him back on his feet. If there's one thing that TV's taught me, it's that an emotion wreck of _this_ magnitude can only lead to a continued downward spiral which almost certainly ends with divorce and/or a criminal record."

Mabel smiled, "You mean, _you_ find a way."

"Okay, here it is." Dipper grabbed the large leather-bound book from the shelf. The added weight destabilised his balance and almost sent him toppling over. He hopped down from the stepladder and plonked it on the desk, kicking up dust and causing the trio to cough.

Mabel and Soos - now somewhat functional once Dipper had explained the idea he had in mind - watched as he flicked through pages and pages of tiny cursive script with intricate diagrams and confusing words like 'perambulate' and 'pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis'.

He stopped on a page with an excited cry of, "This is it!" He read from the title, "The Succulent Witch's Concoction: By Far The Most Exquisite Brew Ever Created And Compatible With Any Type Of Meal. This is perfect for you Soos!"

Soos wasn't sure, scepticism lacing his brows. "Gee, I dunno dude. The title's kinda messed up - exactly which bit is supposed to be 'succulent'?"

"Who cares?" Mabel cried. "If we get that potion-sauce-whatever for you, you can enjoy even better sandwiches during your meal breaks than before!" She began making some weird priestly movements with her hands that greatly disturbed Soos but only made Dipper roll his eyes.

"That's great and all, but I agree with Soos. This may have been my idea, but I'm too busy helping Grunkle Ford reorganise his underground office. I won't be able to help you out."

He turned back to the book and scanned the ingredient list, "I mean, some of this stuff is really hard to come by and I'm not sure I feel safe letting you go out on your-"  
"We'll be fine!" Mabel waved the issue away. Dipper cast her an 'I don't believe you, why are you lying to me?' look but she only gave him a wide, conspiratory grin.

"We'll be with the best cut-and-runner in alllllll of Gravity Falls!"

The two stared at her in confusion.

"Who?"

"Remind me again why I'm here?" Grunkle Stan grumbled as he swatted away yet another fly.

Mabel jumped over a moss-covered log and spun around to address him. "Because it's your fault Soos lost his sauce and caused this chain of events to make us go on a dangerous, magical adventure in the first place!"

She leaned in close as he stepped past, "You wouldn't want to feel responsible if Soos can't find it in himself to come to work anymore because his Boss took away the only thing he _truly_ lived for!"

Grunkle Stan didn't know what the heck was up with his great niece's eyes – as if someone had given her a face full of glitter and she'd forgot to close her eyes - but he supposed she was right.

It certainly explained why his employee kept throwing those sad, forlorn looks over his shoulder at Stan and acting like a kicked puppy in general.

"Fine, fine, alright! I'll help you out!' he threw up his hands helplessly. Crossing them over his chest, he asked, "Where are we going anyway?"

Trotting ahead, Mabel pulled a rolled-up scroll from the confines of her sweater and held it open for them to see. Upon the aged parchment was a dotted line connecting sketches of landmarks and notes written in tiny, messy scrawl.

"Dipper," she began. "Has taken the liberty to draw us a map detailing the route we must take to gather each of the sauce's ingredients." She dragged a finger across the dotted line, "If we follow this, not only will we run into every spot with the ingredients, but also avoid any nasty areas deep in the forest. It's perfect!"

"Are you sure we'll be okay, Mabel? I mean, this map is veeeeery tricky," Soos hesitated to point out. Just looking at the sharp turns and loop-de-loops gave him a headache.

The girl waved the question away, "We'll be fine! Nobody knows these woods better than Dipper. And nobody can read a map _quite_ like _I_ can either!' She buffed her fingernails on her sweater snootily and headed deeper into the woods.

Soos trailed after her, cheering up at the thought of the delicious sandwich that awaited him after their sauce-seeking adventure. Stan followed half-heartedly.

"Guys, y'know I _love_ to be that guy," he started flatly. "So let me just say that this is the stupidest quest ever and we're probably all going to die."

The trio sat in silence, all contemplating the various events that had transpired that afternoon.

Grunkle Stan was staring deep into his coffee, Soos was playing absentmindedly with the saltshaker and Mabel was sombrely hitting her head against the table.

The diner was empty except for Lazy Susan busily cleaning dishes while humming a rhythmless tune. At last, Grunkle Stan broke the silence.

"Well. That was a complete waste of an afternoon."

Mabel jerked upright with a gasp. "Don't say that! We managed to get every ingredient, didn't we? I'd say that's a fantastic achievement!" Although she said it in confidence, she had to admit that it was getting harder to be convincing, if the sweat on her brow was any indication.

Soos sighed. "I think he's right, Mabs. After all that trouble to get everything we needed... I mean we climbed staggering cliffs of potential doom, fought our way through a jungle of killer vines, answered the riddles of the terrifying but oddly small and cute stump troll, almost got impaled on the horns of a unicorn..."

He continued to list of every single step of their journey with his fingers, from puzzling to seemingly completely pointless. After a while, Stan could take it no more.

"Alright, we get it! Now shut up and let an old man brood into his coffee in peace. Sheesh!" He proceeded to do just that as Mabel scrambled to hold their little adventuring band together.

"Yes, exactly! Look at all we've accomplished! It's not our fault that the Manotaurs took over the spring to use as their, er... _bathing area_ ," she laughed nervously.

At the mention of the magical creatures the two men delved deeper into gloom, Stan muttering a quiet, _"Those pricks."_ Mabel waved her hands in a frantic attempt to pick up the mood.

"That spring is overrated anyway! Let's go find a nice, errrr, clear puddle and make the sauce with that!" Her eyes implored the two to agree with her. "Whadda'ya say guys?"

Stan huffed, "Sounds like hard work. That ain't my style kid. This trip's been dumb enough as it is."

"Yeah," Soos nodded, plonking his head on his propped elbow. "I mean, this all started out because I wanted to eat some dumb, super delicious sandwich. Why couldn't a _normal_ sandwich have been enough?" He spread his hands in a show of why-was-I-so-stupid-it's-so-simple.

To prove his point, he grabbed the menu and called Lazy Susan over, ordering enough sandwiches for them all. They arrived only minutes later: smoked ham, spicy chicken, and Soos' favourite, grilled cheese.

Stan and Mabel dug in, only now realising how hungry they were. Unlike them, Soos was staring at his sandwich as of something was off, and habitually reached into his (adventure) backpack for the missing something before realising he no longer had it.

Shooting a miffed look towards Stan - who missed it completely in favour of stuffing his face with chicken - his hand closed around a foreign object in his pack and he took it out to see what it was.

His eyes rounded as he recognised the familiar label taped onto a new, unopened bottle of brown-ish sauce. He held it up in amazement, "It can't be..."

"What? What have you found?" asked Mabel. She leaned over the table and read the label. She gasped, "Is that what I think it is?!"

The resident tourist scammer looked over as well, raising a disbelieving eyebrow. "Didn't I eat that?" He held his head in confusion. "I swear, I'm getting older by the day."

Mabel was jumping up and down in excitement now. "Don't you know what this means!?" The men shared a glance then shrugged simultaneously. Mabel rolled her eyes.

"It _means_ , we don't have to worry about that stupid spring anymore! Soos gets his treasured meal of deliciousness, Grunkle Stan gets a clear conscience," to which said man grunted and muttered about not having one in the first place. "And I get to prove to Dipper that I _can_ follow a simple map."

She stood proudly, hands on hips, lost in her own fantasies about events not covered in this story so haha you poor reader, next time ask for more plot. ;)

Reverently, Soos uncapped the lid and added some of the contents to his sandwich, replacing the top bread layer and raising it to his mouth.

Upon noticing the others' stares, he motioned towards the bottle. "Well don't just sit there, dudes. Have some!" Stan needed no encouragement, grabbing the bottle and pouring a generous amount over his chicken and digging in.

Mabel was more polite, only taking a bit for herself and stealing confirmatory glances at Soos the whole time she did so. The group enjoyed their sandwiches with relish, making 'Mm-mmh' sounds.

A few minutes passed and they finished their meal, licking crumbs from their fingers and having a burping contest - which Stan won, although it was a close call. They all laughed, their troubles fading away.

Suddenly, Soos stopped. "Uh... dudes? Do you feel that?"

Mabel frowned. "Feel what?"

"I dunno. I just got this weird feeling in my gut - like nothing I've ever felt before." The girl and old man stared at the handyman questioningly, wondering what the heck he was talking about.

Stan wondered aloud, "You don't think... that stuff was expired, do you?" He slumped in his seat "Great. That's _just_ what I need." Soos placed a hand on his chin and made that noise he makes when he's thinking - y'know, that really annoying one.

The auburn twin suddenly jolted to life. "Wait, wait! I feel it too! It's like, this tingling sensation spreading through my body!"

Soos snapped his fingers into a finger gun. "That's the one! You feel it too? Wow, that is so weird!" The two burst into fits of giggles, enjoying the strangely pleasurable feeling.

"Ooh! Ooh! Maybe we're magic!" cried Mabel.

"Or we gained superpowers from a radioactive gnome bite!" Soos joined in. Stan only rolled his eyes.

"It feels more like being high when you're already dead drunk. This tingling sensation is really bothering me - reminding me of all the mistakes I've made in life!" he shouted the last part out, his blood pressure visibly rising.

Two sets of wide eyes rounded on him. "You feel it too Grunkle Stan!?"

Stan looked miffed by her words. "What's with that reaction!? You kids aren't the only ones with four senses you know!" They were so shocked by this turn of events that they didn't even bother to correct him.

It was at the same moment that the three felt the abrupt change in their 'tingling sensation'. It grew stronger, turning warm, then red-hot as it coursed through their bodies and filled every limb with raw power. It bounced around in their chests and made their tongues turn dry.

Like a nuclear explosion, the diner burst to pieces in a fiery blaze. Three people stood amongst the wreckage, literally on fire from their power surge and brimming with so much energy that even their eyes were ablaze.

Once the flames died down - to reveal the group miraculously unharmed - they tested their bodies (to make sure they hadn't accidentally died or been transported into a video game world - hey, it could happen!)

Stan was admiring his new bulging biceps while Mabel looked aghast at her near bursting sweater, unable to hold in so much instantly gained muscle mass. Soos had transformed into a buff tradie complete with chiselled jaw and a whiskery moustache.

Stan grinned maliciously. "Oh-ho-hooooh... You know what this means, right guys?" They shook their heads. "It means," he began mysteriously, pausing for effect. "I CAN FINALLY BECOME A BUFF SUPERMODEL!" he yelled, laughing in a way only a maniac can when they get a bazooka for their birthday.

"Don't you mean... defeat those Manotaurs?" Soos nodded his agreement vigorously.

"What? Oh yeah. LET'S GO BEAT THOSE PRICKS!" Stan yelled, punching his own fist with an almighty _boom_ that none of them seemed to find offending to the ears.

As they trekked off, Lazy Susan rose from underneath the debris with her ears ringing and looked around in shock at the state of her diner. "What the heck? It looks like Superman just landed here!" She considered the wreckage before her and suddenly snapped her fingers.

"Oh, darn it! I should have asked for an autograph!"

The only warning the Manotaurs had about their impending doom was when the ground started shaking.

Like giant's footsteps (which they would recognise since they lived in the next territory over from the giants and had constant arguments with them about how their territory was not a place to dump grass clippings), the vibrations ran up their hoofed legs and sent shivers through them.

Then they saw them. Three impressive backlit figures standing at the mouth of the Manotaurs' cave with their eyes on fire, dripping with manliness - even the girl who looked an awful lot like that runt from a few months ago.

That lasted about three whole seconds. Then it clicked.

"Hey! You're the twerps from earlier! Here for another round of knuckle sandwiches?" They all joined uproar, stamping their hooves and yelling manly things.

The first manotaur grinned, cracking his knuckles. "I hope you're hungry, because you're about to- OOF!" That was as far as he got before the handyman-turned-stud nailed him right in the gut. The poor sap was down before he could admire what _superb_ muscles had knocked him out.

Soos wiped his mouth - the way he'd seen countless buff movies stars do in movies - and held up his fists in a fighting stance. He narrowed his eyes and asked, _"Who's next?"_

The battle was over in less than five minutes. Three rapidly shrinking forms walked away with a cauldron full of spring water.

The one who had insisted on carrying it so he could show off his new muscles suddenly buckled under its weight with a far-off cry of, "DANGIT!"

Back at the Mystery Shack, Dipper Pines looked up from a dusty pile of old ghost hunting junk at the sound of... several small-scale earthquakes? After that, there was a series of loud crashes, smacks and bangs. And high pitched screaming? He must have imagined it that one.

"It's a good thing I packed some of Ford's Power Potion into Soos's bag," he said to himself, hoping they hadn't been standing anywhere high at the time of the tremors. "They might have fallen off a cliff or something without it!"

He congratulated himself on tricking them, albeit with good intentions, by reusing the label from Soos' sauce bottle on another bottle concocted by Ford with a strength-enhancing potion and a supermarket product that had been recently discontinued.

He glanced up at the fully stocked shelf of unaltered sauce bottles and smiled. "Soos is gonna love this," he smiled, then proceeded to decide if a ghost-incinerating ray was to go under Keep, Sell or Burn.

[THE END]

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 **K so, this story was actually written for my brother's birthday (Happy B-Day Bro!) so bear in mind that it's been catered to his tastes and I don't feel like changing it, otherwise it'll be a lifetime before you get anything new from me.**

 **Enjoy the story! (Pls don't kill me, this doesn't mean Fire to Ice has been discontinued!)**

 ***Drops on the floor and runs* Byeeeee~~**


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